I hate showers. I like being clean-- don't get me wrong-- but I detest baths/showers/anything that requires me to undress and be soaked and then get dry again in a decent amount of time. I don't even dry off when I get out of the shower. I just walk around sopping wet in a towel until I eventually dry. There is no terry-cloth drying going on for me... (My mother hated this particular quality. "ELIZABETH, THERE ARE PUDDLES. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO DRY OFF?!")
But anyway, showers have their upsides, I suppose. For one thing, whoever invented the shampoo and conditioner PUMPS is a genius. There is almost nothing more annoying when you're in the dreaded shower and you're trying to pick up a plastic bottle that is too big for your hands and you're all wet and slimy with soap and it slips out of your hands and crashes into the tub. Then you get to fish around to find it, if you're me and are blind as a bat without contacts, and then try and muster enough awkward strength to get the stuff out!
ANYWAY, there aren't many distractions in the shower. My phone isn't loud enough to play music, and they haven't invented water-proof books yet. (There is, apparently, a way to water-proof your iPhone for $60?? That will destroy me.) I shower alone (ha), so there's no one to talk to, and I can't make lists in the shower. Therefore, I've eliminated every possible distraction from my thoughts.
These past few weeks, I've had plenty on my mind during shower time. Unfortunately, that leaves time for sad thoughts, scared thoughts, frustrated thoughts, etc. that I can't avoid by distracting myself with anything and everything.
I can go on and on and on with my fears and all, and perhaps I will later on, but for now... I'll just say this:
I go back and forth thinking about previous relationships, dating and other, and it makes my stomach feel weird. I get teary-eyed thinking about the different forms of abandonment and betrayal that I've felt over various people/situations, and I start to question who I am and what made those people leave or hurt me in whatever ways. I then get shaky and fearful that somehow what it is about me that caused them to betray or leave me will be triggered, and I'll wake up one day and Anthony won't be around anymore.
But this feeling doesn't last for long when I look back at words and actions of other people and how they never seemed to align. I can say without question that Anthony is someone whose word is nearly as good as his action. I don't even want to tell you about the many broken promises that I've lived through with other people... But Anthony has stuck by every thing he's said to me, and for that... I can breathe.
I think back about "what went wrong" with other relationships, and it's only now that I can really see that the "me" I was wasn't "me" at all.
So I got out of the shower, and I decided that if Anthony asked ME to be his wife, then I have nothing to worry about, right?
I know that I've got a lot to sort out; after all, marriage is no small decision. I believe in committing for keeps; I don't want to set ourselves up for failure.
I've been doing a lot of crying and evaluating lately, and it's tough to enjoy wedding plans right now. When I posted about the engagement, I mentioned that I wanted to write about the ups and downs of this wedding and all that it will entail.
If I have to hear another, "Well, I'll talk to you in ten years and see how starry-eyed you are... *wink*" I'm going to scream.
For instance, a door slammed the other day, and a lady I don't even know looked at me with a smirk and said, "You'd better get used to that! Men are all the same."
"Men are pigs; men are scum."
Really, people? Can you not just be happy for me? Being married won't be all kicks and giggles, that's for sure-- but I think I've found the person that I want to spend all the sadness and anger and downs with... along with all of said kicks and giggles.
I need people around me that are excited about this.
Okay. This post was kind of a downer.
BUT, on the upside, Heather is going with me on Monday to try on dresses!!! Holy moly, I'm getting MARRIED!