I haven't blogged in eight days! I've had some complaints. So, here I am. There's been quite a bit on my mind, as usual, but I haven't really found the way in which I'd like to express those thoughts.
I'm very happy. To be perfectly frank, I'm terrified of that happiness. I was talking to Amy yesterday morning about this last year in its entirety. I probably talked her ear off, but talking about the things that I went through in the last twelve months was sort of scary. I started to get waves of sad/depressed/scared feelings all over again, just talking about them. Those situations are in the past, but they have left their marks, that's for sure.
"Mistakes are at the very base of human thought feeding the structure like root nodules. If we were not provided with the knack of being wrong, we could never get anything useful done."
- Lewis Thomas
Anyway, now that I am happy with the way that my life is going, it's terrifying! What if I screw up? What if I somehow fail a class and can't graduate this summer? What if I do something that ruins things with Anthony? There are so many things that can go wrong in life, in general.
"No one can explain how the notes of a Mozart symphony, or the folds of a piece of Titian's drapery produce their essential effects. If you do not feel it, no can by reasoning make you feel it."
- John Ruskin
(For an emotional person, I am almost overwhelmed by what I am feeling.)
But I've also been thinking about how many mistakes I've made in the past and how they have (not so) simply refined me into the person that I am now. The basis for the thought is fairly cliche; however, when you really stop and think about life and its many twists and turns, it really is a miracle that we exist as we are.
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
- Scott Adams
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that I'm finding in my life when six months ago I couldn't find any. I am in awe of what God has provided for me and those around me when we all needed it (whatever "it" is) desperately. I am humbled by the love I am receiving from people; I want to be able to effectively return that love, too.
I'm terrified of messing up (again and again) or making more (and more and more) mistakes, time after time, after time....
But I suppose that we all feel this way, sometimes. We wonder what's going to go wrong when we feel like everything is going well. Are we basing this on a pattern? Things get to be wonderful and then something happens and we end up in a crash landing. Is that even true, though? I'd like to say that the "bad" is not dependent upon how "good" things are, but rather, the combination of the two are result of life living up to its definition.
I guess that all we can do, given that our future is not visible, is do the best that we can to be who we are supposed to be and encourage other people to do the same.
I hope that I've made at least a tiny bit of sense. I promise to be back to "blogging" and all that this entails, soon. I've got a busy school/work week ahead of me, so try and cut me some slack. ;)
"I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes."
"Since music is the only language with the contradictory attributes of being at once intelligible and untranslatable, the musical creator is a being comparable to the gods, and music itself the supreme mystery of the science of man.
- Claude Levi-Strauss
"I like the fact that listen is an anagram of silent. Silence is not something that is there before the music begins and after it stops. It is the essence of the music itself, the vital ingredient that makes it possible for the music to exist at all."
- Alfred Brendel