Wednesday, November 16, 2011

certainly uncertain

Hello, hello. It's one of those days... one of those that marks the end/beginning of a day's worth of thoughts and thinks and thuds.

Sometimes I really start to question any and everything I've ever known. Most of the time this means God. Or religion. Or people. Or the color of puke. Or why top shelves exist. Or why anyone would wear white when dirt is brown. 

But today it was about death, as it often seems to be when I work in a place where our day's summary usually includes something horrifically normal. 

Have you ever heard of the fast robot? My friend Amy taught it to me. It's basically the robot, but super fast so you look even cooler than you did before you knew of it. Anyway, I taught it to this old man at work, and EVERY TIME he saw me, he'd do an awkward variation of said fast robot.

Well, he died today. And with him, so did our fast robot interpretations. Life goes on. But for a while, it feels like everything stops. Why do we live just to die? Was God so narcissistic that he had to create a world that would die? Insert all of that stuff about choice/free will and whatnot. I get that. But days like today, I really get sort of cynical and bitter about spiritual things, because sure it's cool that I'm alive and everything, but what was the point in creating a world that he knew was going to be so flawed and end in suffering? I mean, other than to choose to love and follow him. 

I don't get it today. Some days I do, but if I'm being honest... today I don't. 

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake


Sydnee said...

I totally get this, little Sis. But don't forget all the LIVING our friend did before he died. We only saw the final few pages, but he wrote a lengthy manuscript of Life before he came into our lives, and I'm pretty sure that if you ask him now, and listen very, very closely, you'll hear him say it was worth it. I'm glad (very) that you're so tender-hearted, that the lives (and deaths) of these people mean so much to you. Don't ever lose that for longer than it takes to rightfully mourn the loss. And BTW, this post was INCREDIBLY well written. You have an uncommon talent. I mean that. For writing -- and for loving. That's why we need you here.

Samantha said...

I agree with Sydnee. This was a very well-written post. Life is filled with so many answerless questions. We can guess and assume why we're here, we can make theories, and still be confused. In my opinion, as long as you live your life doing what you want while having faith in yourself (and in a greater power,) it's all worth it. Try to think of life in a positive mannar. There are questions, sure. There will always be questions we have. But maybe the not knowing part is okay. :)
sorry for rambling. Anyway, I really love your blog. I think you are an intelligent and pretty lady :)

xo, Samantha