Thursday, March 22, 2012

bittersweet

There are really great things about getting married.
You get to take cute pictures, and your photographer is there to make you look awesome.
You get to register for stuff that are kind of... "in your dreams" stuff.
You get to really start planning out your life with your one-and-only...
It's a really fun time.

But then there are the not so great things about getting married.
I've got a track record when it comes to dating, and.. well... I can't help but rifle through all of those old memories with other people. Not in a, "oh, I wish I was with so-and-so," but in a, "what went wrong?" "what was wrong with me?" "how dare he get married first?" "how dare he be happy?" ... those sorts of things.

And then of course there are those feelings and memories and sick-to-the-stomach things that tend to happen when you dig around in old thoughts.

Of course, none of those stale things really matter when you're looking into the eyes of your best friend and imagining your life with that one-and-only, but for about five seconds, it does matter. Because at one time, you had thoughts and everything about being with that other person. And at one time, at least for me, those thoughts were real ones. But something happened... or some things happened... or maybe God happened and made other things happen... but over all, whatever it was happened and what once was isn't anymore. And it sucked... for a LONG time. And those sad feelings don't disappear in a few years.

Maybe for other people they do, but for me.. they definitely don't. I hold onto things. I keep ticket stubs, and fortunes, and photos, and notes, and fabrics, and buttons...

I mean for them to take the place of the space memories make in my head, but they don't. They just add to my clutter.

The bitterness that hasn't gone away looks at my (now) happy past significants and GLARE. They ought to hate my happiness. Maybe they do, but I tend to think that.. well.. I'm the one who clings onto things-- not them.

And I'm happy. That's just it! But there's this seed in the depths of my something that grows into something awful whenever I see reminders. Wasn't I the one that got away? RIGHT?! Right. Right? I wasn't the problem-- they were. RIGHT?! Right? Right.

...

It is those ellipses and question marks that invade my dreams and pauses.

This is normal, I think. I mean, I've made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I'm binding myself to ONE person for the rest of my life!!

Please tell me that it's okay to freak out... that it's okay to still have rushes of weird feelings when I find memories in weird places.

Please?

I'm enjoying this phase of our relationship, but it has also been one of the most difficult.

I keep praying that I will learn to release more than I have. And don't get me wrong-- I've come a LONG way. But, I've got so far to go...

I'd rather deal with things than suppress them, you know? Maybe this blog isn't the best way to do that, but this is kind of how I get things out of my brain area.

I think it's also a reminder of change. I've changed! I'm not the person I was when I was with other people. I mean, gosh, look at these pictures!





I keep looking at Anthony-- he's sitting across the room from me, working on invitations. He's so wonderful. There's no question in my mind about being with him. Really, there's not.

I just needed to put some stuff on the proverbial paper in order to get my brain wheels to stop moving.

Thanks, keyboard, for being so accessible.

And hey- if you can't be "real", what can you really be?

3 comments:

Brissa said...

your words. wow. i'm not at the "getting married/happily engaged" phase, but i know what you mean. the looking back, the wondering. it doesn't mean we're not happy and in love, it's just brain babbling. i think it's normal. i hope it's normal. good luck planning. enjoy love. it's amazing.

Lisa V said...

I too have never understood those who seem to move on and never look back. I am certainly not one of them. When my first love got engaged, I sobbed. In the car. With Dusty. Though it was very clear that it would have never worked with me and Boy A, I still felt like I was mourning a part of my life that I had dreamed about for years and which was now officially gone forever.
Reading your post was almost like reading my own journal before getting married.
My mom once told me that when she was a newlywed, she feared that a certain old boyfriend would come back into her life and that she would get swept away and forget how much better my dad was for her. I found that oddly comforting.
Because marriage really is more about choice than emotions -- choosing the one whom you want to grow old with, raise a family with, serve God with. The emotions better be there too, of course. But, just because I have had a few gut-wrenching memories of feelings for old flames, doesn't mean I love Dusty any less. In fact, it makes me all the more thankful for the open and trusting relationship we have.
P.S. The website looks great!

Shaylynn... I BLAHWG about myself! said...

Oh, now I don't envy wedding planning. I'm eloping, whenever the hell I find a man.

But now I'm envying your eye color. I sound like a real psycho at this point. I promise I'm not. I just should have gone to bed like two hours ago, so apparently sleep deprivation leads to envy?