I hate showers. I like being clean-- don't get me wrong-- but I detest baths/showers/anything that requires me to undress and be soaked and then get dry again in a decent amount of time. I don't even dry off when I get out of the shower. I just walk around sopping wet in a towel until I eventually dry. There is no terry-cloth drying going on for me... (My mother hated this particular quality. "ELIZABETH, THERE ARE PUDDLES. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO DRY OFF?!")
But anyway, showers have their upsides, I suppose. For one thing, whoever invented the shampoo and conditioner PUMPS is a genius. There is almost nothing more annoying when you're in the dreaded shower and you're trying to pick up a plastic bottle that is too big for your hands and you're all wet and slimy with soap and it slips out of your hands and crashes into the tub. Then you get to fish around to find it, if you're me and are blind as a bat without contacts, and then try and muster enough awkward strength to get the stuff out!
ANYWAY, there aren't many distractions in the shower. My phone isn't loud enough to play music, and they haven't invented water-proof books yet. (There is, apparently, a way to water-proof your iPhone for $60?? That will destroy me.) I shower alone (ha), so there's no one to talk to, and I can't make lists in the shower. Therefore, I've eliminated every possible distraction from my thoughts.
These past few weeks, I've had plenty on my mind during shower time. Unfortunately, that leaves time for sad thoughts, scared thoughts, frustrated thoughts, etc. that I can't avoid by distracting myself with anything and everything.
I can go on and on and on with my fears and all, and perhaps I will later on, but for now... I'll just say this:
I go back and forth thinking about previous relationships, dating and other, and it makes my stomach feel weird. I get teary-eyed thinking about the different forms of abandonment and betrayal that I've felt over various people/situations, and I start to question who I am and what made those people leave or hurt me in whatever ways. I then get shaky and fearful that somehow what it is about me that caused them to betray or leave me will be triggered, and I'll wake up one day and Anthony won't be around anymore.
But this feeling doesn't last for long when I look back at words and actions of other people and how they never seemed to align. I can say without question that Anthony is someone whose word is nearly as good as his action. I don't even want to tell you about the many broken promises that I've lived through with other people... But Anthony has stuck by every thing he's said to me, and for that... I can breathe.
I think back about "what went wrong" with other relationships, and it's only now that I can really see that the "me" I was wasn't "me" at all.
So I got out of the shower, and I decided that if Anthony asked ME to be his wife, then I have nothing to worry about, right?
I know that I've got a lot to sort out; after all, marriage is no small decision. I believe in committing for keeps; I don't want to set ourselves up for failure.
I've been doing a lot of crying and evaluating lately, and it's tough to enjoy wedding plans right now. When I posted about the engagement, I mentioned that I wanted to write about the ups and downs of this wedding and all that it will entail.
If I have to hear another, "Well, I'll talk to you in ten years and see how starry-eyed you are... *wink*" I'm going to scream.
For instance, a door slammed the other day, and a lady I don't even know looked at me with a smirk and said, "You'd better get used to that! Men are all the same."
"Men are pigs; men are scum."
Really, people? Can you not just be happy for me? Being married won't be all kicks and giggles, that's for sure-- but I think I've found the person that I want to spend all the sadness and anger and downs with... along with all of said kicks and giggles.
I need people around me that are excited about this.
Okay. This post was kind of a downer.
BUT, on the upside, Heather is going with me on Monday to try on dresses!!! Holy moly, I'm getting MARRIED!
Ha ;)
6 comments:
I know I have only been married 5.5 years (and not 10), but for us, it just keeps getting better! Some unsolicited advice: seek out friends who speak respectfully and positively about their husbands (or just men in general). Marriage can be hard work, and having friends who support me in being a godly wife (and not just in doing what is "right for you" or "what makes you happy.") has made all the difference. I am so excited for you guys! I loved hearing from Anthony; it helped me feel like I know him a little. Let me know if you need any help!
That was from Lisa by the way!
This post just BLEW me away. I can not tell you how many times I thought things like this while I was engaged. Not even kidding.
Engagement was the toughest most confusing time of my life. And people NEVER understood that! They all thought I was crazy and that Steven and I weren't meant to be. I hated people asking me, "aren't you having the most fun planning your wedding? , because truly, no I wasn't. It was hard and confusing and scary and sometimes I just wanted someone to understand that instead of expecting me to be glowing.
Once I got to my acutal wedding day, the fears slipped away when I saw Steven's face. I knew we were meant to be, whether others thought that or not. That is not to say that the first, second years and so on haven't been difficult even maddening at times, but I know I never want to be without him.
Anyway, didn't mean to tell you my life story. Just wanted to let you know that I can completely relate! You are not alone. I had thoughts about money, future, whether our family's could get along. I think that these type of posts are missed in wedding blogs today.
Thanks for being so honest Liz! This was so refreshing to read. And even though I don't know you personally, I think Anthony is amazing and that you guys are amazing together from what I have read!
Oh liz....
I'm glad you got this out. I can hear you using your frustrated voice throughout. When you said "If i hear one more....I'm going to scream." i KNOW your teeth were clenched together and your voice got more high pitched and you tilted your head to the side...haaaa ha
i love you.
And i guess in a world that is so confused by the definition of "love" and "marriage" it is understandable for them to be skeptical. BUT you KNOW i will punch those people in the FACE!!!!!!! ;) gimme a list. haa
I am glad the American tradition begins with an engagement phase before the wedding/marriage stage begins. This phase is created with the sole purpose of preparation; preparing your heart for marriage and your decorations for the wedding.
Let it all go. Be real. Focus. Cry. Remember. Release. Transform. . . . Prepare.
The time is here.
I love you. . . and i look forward to Monday. :) YAYYYY. I might even force you to start with an ugly one so you like the other ones better ;)
i LOVE this post. i feel like people attach expected emotions and reactions to every life situation, and they're just not true for everyone! and often, they're not even true for anyone. ha.
way to be honest with yourself and with other people. that's so important. i also love love love the other comments on this post.
also: i HATE when people say the "talk to me in ten years" thing. come on people.
come. on.
anyway. good post, is what i was trying to say.
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