Yes, I am an eavesdropper.
Let me share with you what I overheard today:
"Well apparently he's turning me into an alcoholic. I didn't used to go out during the week, but now it's like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...? Okay. Ugh and I can't believe somebody invited that @#$@!! I mean, I found out he likes both of us, but I mean come on! She's ##@% ugly as @#$! She's not even cute. Okay let me describe her. She's pale and has acne. And her hair texture is gross! The color is like... brown. She picked a bad color. I don't know how he could like her! You should come out tonight and beat her up."
Alright, dude. First of all, just don't go out if you're going to whine about it. And her hair texture is gross? Did you touch it? That's gross. Lastly, get over it.
Okay, we are all guilty of this. We are interested in someone and any potential competition must be uglier and dumber than us! This is normal. But this type of normalcy is absolutely pathetic. From here on out, I am going to make a conscious effort to not succumb to this idiocy.
On that note, here is a "note" I wrote over a year ago:
Love them, hate them, can't live without them.
Familiar phrase, interesting concept.
Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, friends, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandsons, granddaughters, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, students, teachers, professionals, amateurs..
Does anybody else think about this stuff? How random strings of events and circumstances and chance and luck and misfortune and strategy and accidents make PEOPLE??
The odds that you or I are actually here..
I went to THIS school in THIS state and met THIS guy/girl and at THIS time had a child.
Two people making one person.
Two individuals making another individual.
Not just any individual, but THE individual.
The perfect combination of two PEOPLE from two different backgrounds, with two different stories.
And then the new PERSON who will meet another PERSON and make another PERSON.
People walking around with stuff happening in their lives. Bad stuff, good stuff, hard stuff, easy stuff, fun stuff, hurtful stuff.
We are all the same; we are all different.
Heartache.. anyone heard of it? I bet you have. I bet you'll carry that around forever.
Death.. anyone had do deal with it? If you haven't, you will. It HURTS.
Anyone felt alone around a ton of people?
Glanced at your bank account lately?
Wondered how you'd make it through another day?
Listened to some music that truly moved you?
Had your stomach turn summersaults before something important?
Been talked about?
Clenched your fists in anger?
Felt the release of letting something go?
Stabbed someone in the back?
We beg to be forgiven but refuse to forgive.
Are hurt by PEOPLE but turn around and hurt PEOPLE.
We all want to be accepted, forgiven, understood, complimented, enjoyed, and loved.
But we reject, hold grudges, judge, destroy, and hate.
Sometimes I wish I could put on a lens and see people for who they really are. Stripped down from our selfish tendencies laced with contempt. Without the labels, fancy words and statuses. I want to see the PEOPLE.
There are real human souls underneath all of the junk that we pile on top of ourselves. The true PERSON is behind that cover...
We're all loaded down with CHAINS that keep us from truly experiencing each other and ourselves. Oh the freedom that we would have if we could just break free!
Maybe we just get comfortable with that weight wrapped around our necks..
Maybe it's simply easier to face that mirror every morning with the cover we put up before we walk out the door.
I don't know.
I don't really know much right now, except that I want to learn how to forgive. I want to learn how to move on from past hurts. I want to learn how to not hurt other people. I want to learn how to love PEOPLE. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to learn to be MYSELF. I want to learn about PEOPLE. I want to know why I do things. Why they do things. Why he did this to me. Why they did this to me. Why I do this to PEOPLE. Why I care so much. Why I don't care at all. Why I'm here. Why you're here. How do I get there? When do I leave? When will I know? How will I know? What if I miss it? What if I lose it? What if I never had it? Am I okay with whatever happens?
I want to put on a different lens and capture the world.
Focus in on the unnoticed and define simplicity.
I wish I could sing of understanding and comprehend the impossible.
Close my eyes and find that absolution.
You know, the kind that everyone dreams of.
I dream of finding resolution
and breaking from the walls
I've become so acquainted with.
I want to close my eyes
and raise my hands
to find that peace I've been searching for.
I'd like to offer my heart
and walk down the aisle
to a never ending love.
I have a wall of post-it notes
waiting to become praises.
I have a cabinet full of letters
waiting to become ashes.
I have a pile of dried flowers
waiting to be thrown to the wind.
I have a notebook of doodles
waiting to become a reality.
I have a head full of wishes
waiting to be granted.
But I've got a fist
that's waiting to be unclenched.
And I've got two green eyes
that are waiting to turn blue.
And I've got some words
that are waiting to be forgiven.
But I've also got a God
who's not waiting on anything.
"Desperation, needing you
Every last breath I scream for you
Shatter me into a million pieces
Make me new."