Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This INFJ is sad.

Warning: this is probably going to be a long post, one that is not very lively or engaging.

Okay. So. My best friends are moving to Wyoming, and I had to say goodbye to them last night. For some context, Elena was my first roommate EVER and she was the best roommate I have had, by far. When I first Facebook-stalked her, upon finding out my roommate assignment, I told Christian that I didn't think the match was going to work. You see, Elena is gorgeous. Drop-dead, for sure. She seemed super social, super together, etc., etc., etc.-- way out of my league. I assumed that she was going to be shallow and stupid, since the generalization is that pretty people are dumb. (Haha.) 
I was so wrong. I have been completely humbled and do my best not to judge people by appearances anymore. Elena is still beautiful, but she is one of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. 
Long story short, we've had a lot of ups and downs in our personal life, but the ups and downs always seemed to synchronize in a way that allowed us to become closer. For instance, when she went through a terribly devastating break-up, I introduced her to Cameron and Christian, and the four of us started spending a lot of time together. Cameron was crushin' on Elena, after his traumatic break-up, and I kinda egged Cameron on with talking to her, and I encouraged Elena to give him a shot. I didn't have everything to do with how things turned out, but I'm proud to say that Elena and Cameron have now been married four months. :)
When Christian and I broke up, Elena and Cameron were right there to keep me out of a constant slump. I could go on and on about this and that, but the gist of things is that the three of us have pretty much been inseparable.
So, when I said goodbye to them last night, I felt like I was leaving a vital organ behind. I know that the thought is cliche, but I'm being serious when I tell you that I feel like something is missing from my "being." I bawled the entire way home and until I fell asleep last night. I don't mean a silent cry that symbolized the parting of friends. I'm talking about the swollen, blotchy red face and the snotty nose, and the dry heaving as a result of such intense crying. 
I walked in the door, and this message was waiting on my Facebook as soon as I sat down at the computer: "Liz, I miss you. Come back. I wish I could pack you up in one of my million boxes. Seems odd but I'm serious. Cam and I are sitting here crying. I can't believe our time here is up. I hate leaving you. Liz, you're a strong little lady and I know you can get thru the next semester with real success. I'll never stop praying for you, thinking about you, talking to you, or loving you. You've meant as much to me as you say I've meant to you, and I'll never forget you for it. You've been a true God-send. Ours is the kind of friendship that lasts. Your my best friend. Don't forget you're capable of everything God is leading you to. Trust Him my deary and keep your chin up. I love you. I'm super proud of you. We're missing you.
This is my best friend. Are you catching my drift???
I woke up this morning and felt "okay," until my doorbell rang and Elena was standing there to say goodbye, again. We hugged, said goodbye, and I went inside. All of a sudden I remembered that they were going to be gone, and I started bawling, again. Heart-wrenching sobbing, AGAIN.

I am a very emotional person. I take everything personally, and I over-analyze everything. This fact has been brought to my attention a lot, lately. I asked Anthony, a very logical person, how he deals with things like this. His response was to understand that everything is fleeting, but that he's on my side. (I'm paraphrasing.) All of the logically minded people I know have said something along these lines: Everything is temporary, so just accept that. Don't care so much. Distance yourself. Toughen up. You'll grow out of it.
Elena's response was:
I'll always be thankful for the sensitive heart God's given you. It is a blessing, don't you dare think anything different.
Now, Elena's pretty emotional, too, so maybe this is a biased opinion, but I guess it's not any more biased than the logical people's opinions.

I've decided that I am emotional. I have decided that I am okay with that. I am good at my job because of it, and my relationships are richer (in their own way) because of it. If I love you, I will do almost anything for you. If I hate you, stay away from me. 

A recent friend introduced me to this personality test that I actually realized that I took for Kaity so that she could do a research project of some sort. If you are interested in the test, here is the link. I like personality tests, if only for the simple fact that I have this desperate need to understand why I do what I do. This particular test was scarily accurate. Here are a few glimpses of what my test showed about me:

I am an INFJ. Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging 

"Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words."
--> So, my friends are moving. I don't have many close friends. When I get to that level of friendship, I am very involved, emotionally. With Cam and Elena moving, I am in a lot of pain right now.

"Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals."
--> I blog because it helps me to express what I'm feeling, even if only in a written word/pictures. To be honest, writing this specific post is me bearing parts of my soul with random readers. This is kind of a big deal to me. I don't want to be a superficial person. I am feeling real things right now, and I want to share that with you. In doing this, I am risking people taking advantage of me, knowing how I work, and I am really being transparent with people that aren't close to me. It's kind of weird, no lie. 

"The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit."
--> I get accused of being unhappy or distant, quite often. Please give me time. Despite my extroverted tendencies when in a group of friends or acquaintances, that takes a lot of effort. I am a feeler. I can get insanely overwhelmed by emotions in groups of people, or even on one-on-ones with people I've just met. (Or those close to me, for that matter.) I'm usually not unhappy, but when I am, it seems to seep through my pores. I can't hide my facial expressions very well, so it's fairly obvious to people when I'm dealing with something. This can be good, because it forces me to be honest with people, but it's a fault when I can't control it. At work, I need to be a professional and separate work from my personal life. I have yet to master this.

"INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates.""
--> This is kinda self-explanatory. 

"Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of 'hard logic.'"
--> This is why I can't stick to the equation for letting people go. (Side note: I can make logical decisions, sometimes. I literally tell myself what the logical thing is and disregard emotion. After the decision is made, I am flooded with emotion, but at least I've made the logical decision.)

So there you have it. Liz-in-a-box. 

No, I don't cry all of the time; in fact, I really don't cry all that often. I have this blog as an outlet, along with music. I write poetry, and I talk to my close friends when I'm dealing with stuff. 

I just need people to understand why my face will be swollen today.



Lillian said...

It is so hard to say good-bye to really close friends, sometimes they become as close or closer than family members. Never doubt your ability to make logical choices because of your emotions. Our hearts can lead us down paths we should never have taken but they can also lead us on the most wonderful adventures and lead us to people logic would steer us away from.

The world needs both the logical and the emotional. What a sad place this would be if not for those who care deeply and aren't afraid to show it! Keep caring.

I'm praying that you and your best friend will one day find yourselves in close proximity! ♥

Lizard said...

Thanks so much for your responses :) It's lovely to hear what you have to say.
I do enjoy reading your blog very much.