so youer than you

I love it when people can say that something is "so me." You know what I'm talking about? You see some gaudy piece of jewelry and you are automatically reminded of your sister-in-law. Or you see some classy, high-dollar piece of furniture that reminds you of your grandmother. People generally have distinctive tastes in things, and it's "so them."

People that are "so themselves" are easy to buy for.  I've been shopping recently, since I'm not going home for Christmas this year. I have to send everything home with my parents when they come to Springfield for Thanksgiving. Anyway, I've come across tons of things that are "so Anthony," "so mom," "so Heather," "so Amy," etc. I could buy hundreds of things for these people, because everywhere I go, things just "scream them."

I LOVE IT.

I love that people have different tastes in things, people, music... Some people want to blend, others want to stand out. It's fun that way.

Things are things and that is that.

I woke up this morning to find that my car was broken into. Whoever it was left all four doors wide open, my garbage bag with my trash next to the car, a shoebox on the driveway, etc. My car was completely trashed. They took everything out and moved it around, including my radio, glove compartment, inner consul...
I couldn't believe it. They smashed my left passenger door to get in, and I think the only thing they actually took from my car was my backpack, along with a couple of pay stubs. I've called the credit bureau, my bank, insurance company, work, etc.
This just all really sucks. I feel incredibly violated-- I had notes, pictures, cards, letters... I suppose I shouldn't keep so much in my car, but I like having sentimental things with me at all times.
I'm so very grateful that my house wasn't broken into, and that they didn't steal everything that I did have in my car.
I'm scared about how much this is all going to cost, especially because I had to call into work because of it. I feel violated, because whoever it was has gotten a tiny little window into my life that they had no right to take. I'm rather ashamed that my car was so messy in the first place, and now it's strewn all over the driveway.

Now I'm just waiting. My stomach is in knots, because I keep feeling like someone's out there waiting for me. I know it's stupid, but this has really shaken me up. I've never had to deal with this kind of a thing before.

But I've been thinking. It was my car. It was not my home. That would have been much, much worse. I didn't have Anthony's birthday presents in my car anymore, so at least I have that. My radio wasn't taken, and that's my security blanket. My purse wasn't in the car, so I at least don't have to worry about those things.

Money is paper, and it's not even very pretty paper. It's convenient, but it's not what defines me. Money will always be money, no matter how much I have or do not have. A car is plastic, glass, and metal and other parts that I don't know of, and it can be fixed.

Don't get me wrong-- I'm really angry. I didn't need to spend my money on this, and it's really screwed up my week.

BUT, I wasn't hurt, no one I care about was hurt, and everything will be fine.

Maybe whoever it was needed money more than I do. Maybe they have horrible coping skills and needed to take it out on my car. Who knows, but I'll never be them. I think I'll take pride in that.

Sex God and The Chaos Theory

Whoa- two posts in one day. I know, ridiculous. But I've got a lot on my mind. And since this is my blog, I am going to post what I want. I've read things on how to make your blog "successful," but honestly, my blog is successful because it's helping me. And all 33 followers make my day by reading what I post, whether or not it's "successful."

So this may be long-winded and it may not make a whole lot of sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me; and who knows, maybe it'll make sense to you.

...

I have picked several definitions from urban dictionary to define the chaos theory:

• The belief that everything that happens in the world around us is a random series of events, and that it is possible for the extremely unlikely to occur.
• A great excuse to lose a game -- some thing else somehow caused you to mess up, such as a butterfly flapping its wings too hard in Tokyo
• A cool way to call bull.
• theory that everything explains everything

Now let's watch a preview for the movie, The Chaos Theory. (one of my most favorite movies)





So. There are many, many things out of our control. 

...

I posted a (much) longer version of this when I first started this (public) blog, but this excerpt goes along with what I am trying to say.


People.
Love them, hate them, can't live without them.
Familiar phrase, interesting concept.
PEOPLE.
Individuals.
Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, friends, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandsons, granddaughters, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, students, teachers, professionals, amateurs..
Does anybody else think about this stuff? How random strings of events and circumstances and chance and luck and misfortune and strategy and accidents make PEOPLE??
The odds that you or I are actually here..
I went to THIS school in THIS state and met THIS guy/girl and at THIS time had a child.Two people making one person.
Two individuals making another individual.
Not just any individual, but THE individual.
The perfect combination of two PEOPLE from two different backgrounds, with two different stories.
And then the new PERSON who will meet another PERSON and make another PERSON.


It's chaotic, really!

...

Now let's talk about love.
[It is February, after all.]

The caption I put to this picture of my tattoo is always a quote from The Chaos Theory. 

"The most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the Universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt that makes us human."

Agape: unconditional love

Love: Lust is the desire for their body; love is the desire for their soul.

[via urban dictionary] 

"​Agape​ doesn​'​t love someb​ody becau​se they'​re worth​y.​
Agape​ makes​ them worth​y by the stren​gth and power​ of its love.​
Agape​ doesn​'​t love someb​ody becau​se they'​re beaut​iful.​
Agape​ loves​ in such a way that makes​ them beaut​iful.​"

"​It'​s easy to take your cloth​es off and have sex. Peopl​e do it all the time.​ But openi​ng up your soul to someo​ne,​ letti​ng them into your spiri​t
and thoug​hts
and fears​
and futur​e
and hopes​
and dream​s.​.​.​
that is being​ naked​.​"


"​Angel​s and anima​ls.​
There​ are these​ two extre​mes,​ denyi​ng our sexua​lity or being​ drive​n by it, and then there's the vast space​ in betwe​en.​ An angel​ is a being​ with a spiri​t but witho​ut a body.​
When we deny the spiri​tual dimen​sion to our existence,​ we end up livin​g like anima​ls.​ And when we deny the physi​cal,​ sexua​l dimen​sion to our existence,​ we end up living like angel​s.​
And both ways are destr​uctiv​e,​ because God made us human​.​"


[excerpts from Sex God by Rob Bell]



Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It's easy. All you need is love.


So what have we learned? I don't have control. The world is chaotic and crazy. But love sorta surpasses that. And that's what I want.


Cheers.

A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." 
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar)

Mehr: adjective, meaning blah, bleh, or ugh

I'm depressed/lonely today. I'm not quite sure why, because my days are constantly full with work and school, which implies interaction with people. I actually didn't want to leave work tonight and was dreading going home to an empty house.
I love living alone-- don't get me wrong. I can do whatever I want without worrying about other people. It's really nice to go about my life in its chaos and come back to the way I left it that morning.
But for some reason, today, I have some desperate need to be understood.
I want someone, anyone, to look at me and know what I'm thinking. No, I don't feel like explaining the essence of my thoughts-- just know, please.

"God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering." 
— Sylvia Plath

Do you know what I'm saying?
Do you ever just stare at the wall and have so many thoughts swarming your head that you feel like crying because of how overwhelmed you feel? The strange fact is that I'm not actually overwhelmed. So far, work and school are under control.

"I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full." 
— Sylvia Plath

So what is it?

"How we need another soul to cling to." 

— Sylvia Plath

I miss having people around me that just know. They don't have to physically speak-- simply sitting and knowing would be satisfactory. I suppose that's too much to ask of anyone, but it sure would be nice.

"I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them." 
— Sylvia Plath (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)

On that note, this is what I want:


Love that will not betray you, 
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man 
you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love 
as it was made to be 
- Mumford & Sons, "Sigh No More"


"I am still so naïve; I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am. A passionate, fragmentary girl, maybe?"
— Sylvia Plath


... That sounds about right.


"Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh."
— Sylvia Plath



Cheers.

Eavesdropper

Yes, I am an eavesdropper.
Let me share with you what I overheard today:


"Well apparently he's turning me into an alcoholic. I didn't used to go out during the week, but now it's like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...? Okay. Ugh and I can't believe somebody invited that @#$@!! I mean, I found out he likes both of us, but I mean come on! She's ##@% ugly as @#$! She's not even cute. Okay let me describe her. She's pale and has acne. And her hair texture is gross! The color is like... brown. She picked a bad color. I don't know how he could like her! You should come out tonight and beat her up."


Alright, dude. First of all, just don't go out if you're going to whine about it. And her hair texture is gross? Did you touch it? That's gross. Lastly, get over it.

Found here!

Okay, we are all guilty of this. We are interested in someone and any potential competition must be uglier and dumber than us! This is normal. But this type of normalcy is absolutely pathetic. From here on out, I am going to make a conscious effort to not succumb to this idiocy.


On that note, here is a "note" I wrote over a year ago:


People.
Love them, hate them, can't live without them.
Familiar phrase, interesting concept.
PEOPLE.
Individuals.
Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, friends, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandsons, granddaughters, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, students, teachers, professionals, amateurs..
Does anybody else think about this stuff? How random strings of events and circumstances and chance and luck and misfortune and strategy and accidents make PEOPLE??
The odds that you or I are actually here..
I went to THIS school in THIS state and met THIS guy/girl and at THIS time had a child.
Two people making one person.
Two individuals making another individual.
Not just any individual, but THE individual.
The perfect combination of two PEOPLE from two different backgrounds, with two different stories.
And then the new PERSON who will meet another PERSON and make another PERSON.

People walking around with stuff happening in their lives. Bad stuff, good stuff, hard stuff, easy stuff, fun stuff, hurtful stuff.

We are all the same; we are all different.

Heartache.. anyone heard of it? I bet you have. I bet you'll carry that around forever.
Death.. anyone had do deal with it? If you haven't, you will. It HURTS.
Anyone felt alone around a ton of people?
Glanced at your bank account lately?
Wondered how you'd make it through another day?
Listened to some music that truly moved you?
Had your stomach turn summersaults before something important?
Gossiped?
Been talked about?
Forgiven?
Been forgiven?
Cried?
Laughed?
Clenched your fists in anger?
Felt the release of letting something go?
Been betrayed?
Stabbed someone in the back?

PEOPLE.

We beg to be forgiven but refuse to forgive.
Are hurt by PEOPLE but turn around and hurt PEOPLE.

We all want to be accepted, forgiven, understood, complimented, enjoyed, and loved.
But we reject, hold grudges, judge, destroy, and hate.
WHY??

Sometimes I wish I could put on a lens and see people for who they really are. Stripped down from our selfish tendencies laced with contempt. Without the labels, fancy words and statuses. I want to see the PEOPLE.

There are real human souls underneath all of the junk that we pile on top of ourselves. The true PERSON is behind that cover...

We're all loaded down with CHAINS that keep us from truly experiencing each other and ourselves. Oh the freedom that we would have if we could just break free!

Maybe we just get comfortable with that weight wrapped around our necks..
Maybe it's simply easier to face that mirror every morning with the cover we put up before we walk out the door.
I don't know.

I don't really know much right now, except that I want to learn how to forgive. I want to learn how to move on from past hurts. I want to learn how to not hurt other people. I want to learn how to love PEOPLE. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to learn to be MYSELF. I want to learn about PEOPLE. I want to know why I do things. Why they do things. Why he did this to me. Why they did this to me. Why I do this to PEOPLE. Why I care so much. Why I don't care at all. Why I'm here. Why you're here. How do I get there? When do I leave? When will I know? How will I know? What if I miss it? What if I lose it? What if I never had it? Am I okay with whatever happens?

I want to put on a different lens and capture the world.
Focus in on the unnoticed and define simplicity.
I wish I could sing of understanding and comprehend the impossible.
Close my eyes and find that absolution.
You know, the kind that everyone dreams of.

I dream of finding resolution
and breaking from the walls
I've become so acquainted with.

I want to close my eyes
and raise my hands
to find that peace I've been searching for.

I'd like to offer my heart
and walk down the aisle
to a never ending love.

I have a wall of post-it notes
waiting to become praises.

I have a cabinet full of letters
waiting to become ashes.

I have a pile of dried flowers
waiting to be thrown to the wind.

I have a notebook of doodles
waiting to become a reality.

I have a head full of wishes
waiting to be granted.

But I've got a fist
that's waiting to be unclenched.

And I've got two green eyes
that are waiting to turn blue.

And I've got some words
that are waiting to be forgiven.

But I've also got a God
who's not waiting on anything.




"Desperation, needing you
Every last breath I scream for you
Shatter me into a million pieces
Make me new."












...Cheers.