balloons

I've been thinking about balloons, lately. I even changed my blogger background to sort of illustrate what I sometimes can't explain. 

Sometimes I feel like as we grow older, there is so much change. People change, grow, become. It's what makes our humanness so incredible. It's also scary, because who you are isn't always ready at hand. I often feel as though I'm trying to gather all of these different layers and pieces together of myself, and every once in a while, I lose my grasp and can no longer see some parts of me that were once so central. 

These thoughts obviously made me think of balloons. When you're a kid, they tie the balloons to your wrist or stroller so that you don't lose/let go of your balloon. It's quite brilliant, really. 

We might hold on to these "figurative" balloons/pieces of ourselves to try and keep us grounded, until we realize that we're trying to hold so many that we start to be carried and moved by the balloons themselves.

Or maybe we fill them so full of air that they pop and cause us to jump back into reality.

Or maybe we try to arrange them in pretty patterns and complimentary colors and use them for decoration.

Or maybe we enjoy popping them.

Or maybe we like looking at them from afar.

Or maybe we want to let them all go and disappear into the sky.

Or perhaps I'm taking this metaphor too far?

I just think that balloons are great. You can use them for so many things... or you can twist them into a long, drawn-out metaphor that works for a blog that you've been wanting to post for a while but didn't know how. They can be happy, or sad... depending on how you want to think about them. 

We buy balloons, we let them go.

Bret Easton Ellis

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this. 

Terry Pratchett

My definition [of a philosopher] is of a man up in a balloon, with his family and friends holding the ropes which confine him to earth and trying to haul him down.

Louisa May Alcott

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.

Winnie the Pooh

A year ago, I was curled up in a ball next to my toilet, dry-heaving, in the hopes that throwing up whatever I'd (not) eaten that day would make me feel something. I racked my brain for what I did or did not do wrong, for reasons why I was on my bathroom floor at that very moment, when the year before I had been looking at rings. I pictured the "other girl's" face, and imagined slapping it and spitting on it and crushing it with my foot. I pictured his face twisted and crying, over me of course, wishing that he hadn't "done this to me," and I pictured myself as this brave, stoic woman who would scoff at his regret and laugh at "the other girl's" foolishness of wanting to be with my man.

But I wasn't very brave. I was scared. And embarrassed. And lonely. And hurt. And so I stayed on various floors, carpeted and other, until I was able to lift my pounding head from the surface. I'd drag myself to the couch, to the bed, to the refrigerator... and eventually I was able to do more than exist.
It was a horrible time. But I had good friends, a good family, and access to the internet. I started dating lots of people, hoping to find some kind of "validation," or whatever we call it when we're hurting and needing to know that we have a "future."

But I also started this blog. Yep, it's been about a year. It was one of my first intentional steps forward after that terrible season, and it's a step that has brought me to new, better steps than the first.

So these balloons are celebrating my blog, my continual healing, and everyone who helped me to do so. But they're also a symbol (for me) of letting some things go. I can't keep everything in my fist, even if they're teeny, tiny balloon strings. They added up, and eventually they took me places that I didn't want to go. But when I let a few strings go, and then a few more... I led them. More have been added, but more have been let go. And that's good for now.

Stop texting me, please

"You and You"
I don't wanna know you anymore.
I loved you, the you I knew,
but forget the idea of knowing me now.
Looking at you, your physical you,
I think of the you I knew,
but you begin to speak
and I lose you.
So I'm going to spare myself
the confusion of finding
you in you,
and simply say goodbye
to all of you.

So, hello.

Rough couple of weeks. Next week will be better.







I'm not a fan of most female voices, ordinarily. Oddly enough... I came across both of these songs at "perfect" times.  I started listening to Paramore's new album in October. I don't need to bring up what happened in October, but this song is fitting.
And then, I heard this second song on the radio. I don't listen to the radio much AT ALL, but I happened to turn the radio on when I got bored with my cd, and the very end of this song came on. AND THEN, a couple days ago, I turned on the radio again, and the end of the song came on AGAIN. So.. I "Shazam"ed it. (iPhone app) Apparently it's a really popular song. I just hadn't heard it. 
The song is quite perfect, considering that I've been contacted by someone that I didn't want contacting me. 
Hence the poem.


I'm not bitter-- not anymore. I just have a different perspective on things.


Given that these last two weeks have been really... difficult, my blog is reflecting that.


Hanging out with Anthony and his family (and making new friends) has been really good for me. 


I'm happy! I really am. Life gets me down, like it does to everyone, but overall, I'm okay. I'm pretty content.


[If you're the praying type, please keep my supervisor in your prayers. Thanks :) ]


But anyway, I just wanted to share this with you all.
Thanks for stickin' with me.


Oh, and it's spring break now. So... HAPPY LIZ!


Cheers :)

Life via music

I have been thinking a lot about music, lately, and it led me to go on YouTube and try and find the songs that define certain periods of my life. I know this might be kinda lame, but hey, it's MY blog, and I'll do what I want! Haha. Anyway, if you like music, or you like to see how music can exist alongside a person's life, have fun listening to all of this music.
I find healing in music, so I'm going to consider this blog post a part of my own personal healing.
Enjoy!


When I was 14, I "dated" a guy that introduced me to Sum 41. I LOVED them. I was always blasting this song, and looking back, it sorta fits with being a young teenager.
"I don't wanna waste my time, become another casualty of society. I'll never fall in line, become another victim of your conformity and back down."

This same boyfriend of mine introduced me to Beck, as well. I can still sing all of the lyrics to this particular song.
"And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite, who's chokin’ on the splinters. Soy un perdedor: I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?"

Ah, yes. Muse. Thanks again, Andrew for having Rhapsody and burning me so many cds all through high school. This is still one of my favorite bands. I always feel empowered when I listen to them.
"And our time is running out, you can't push it underground, you can't stop it screaming out. How did it come to this?"

And then comes the soundtrack to Pirates. Senior year of high school, our orchestra played selections from all three of the movies. It was amazing, and I was definitely proud to have been the one to suggest it. I was also dating a guy that loved the arrangement, and this particular track sort of became "ours." Hans Zimmer is a beast!!

The first semester of college was terrible. But this song represented the best summer of my life with my church, and the youth band I was in played this song in front of the whole church. I can honestly say that I sang this song over, and over, and over again to remind myself that I was not alone, no matter how much I felt that way. I still listen to this song, at times, but it's almost painful to hear it, as that period of my life hurt so terribly.

Oh boy... Keane. I love this band, so much. This specific song was played on repeat during that first year of college when things were rough. I still have to watch myself when I listen to this kind of music, because I tend to really feel music, so this mellow/depressing stuff can get to me, at times.
"Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand, it's hard to know where I am. Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm stranded in the wrong time, where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a soundbite."

Christian had me listen to this cd and then told me that this song reminded him of me. I felt so loved and cherished at that time, and I listened to the song countless times. Now that the relationship is behind me, the song makes me sad, despite how much I like the band.
"And it's a very special thing. She makes the people clap and sing. And my baby makes me happy all the time, all the time."

When I heard "Fireflies" on the radio, I laughed at this band; however, Jonny, Cameron, and Elena would always listen to the cd in Cam's truck, so I came to really love the lyrics to some of the songs. This song reminds me of last winter, when our "group" of five would drink cinnamon hot chocolate, smoke hookah, and play music. It was a good time in my life, and every time I hear this song, I feel like I'm actually driving in the snow, shivering, and feeling God all around me.
"I am not my own, for I have been made new-- please don't let me go; I desperately need You."



Now this song will ALWAYS remind me of my best friend, Elena. I love her so very, very much. She randomly bought this cd in Barnes and Noble one time and she kept it in her computer foreverrrrrr. Now I love this band!

I absolutely love this band, and I refuse to let it become associated with a bad time in my life.  I saw them live this last August and it was phenomenal. I feel super awesome whenever I hear them... Haha. :)



I obviously love this band, too, but I hadn't even heard of them until this summer. I get flashbacks to horrible roommates and bad decisions whenever I decide to listen to the cd, but I absolutely love the music. I selected this song specifically, because the lyrics kinda fit with my roommates and my ex and how their perceptions of things were so skewed as a result of certain substances... Haha.

"You party every night until your body goes snap. She don't wanna be with you when you're actin' like that: all drunk, no shame, decided to change your name. You lose, you lose, you lose. Oh, all your inhibitions-- who's gonna take it home tonight?"

This band will always remind me of Cameron. Good times! Their lyrics are incredibly powerful, and this song is absolutely beautiful, despite the fact that it is also super depressing. It fits with my circumstances from three months ago, which is when I listened to it over... and over... and overrrrr again.
"Back to where we started, losing who we were, maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up. Back to where we started, losing who we were, everybody knows that you’d break your neck to keep your chin up."

The Rocket Summer has been my friend for yeaaaars. Every once in a while I find myself listening to them again, and these last few months I've listened to a lot of music that reminds me of who I am. I am good enough has been my mantra (haha, mantra.. @mom and Elena) this semester.
"Everybody's hurting, everybody knows it. Are you trying to stop it? Everyone's watching, what are you going to do? Are you trying to stop it? Everyone's watching, everyone is conversing, everyone's listening. Oh yeah they were a part, he was a part, she was a part of it. Oh falling apart... is anyone watching, is anyone listening? Are we listening?"


Lastly, I've been on a Paramore kick. This is a shout-out to Christian and a reminder to myself that I am okay, I am moving on, I am not defined by anyone, and I am continuing to grow and become who I actually was made to be.
"I could follow you to the beginning and just relive the start. And maybe then we'll remember to slow down to all of our favorite parts.. All I wanted was you."

Okay maybe this is the last one... Mannheim Steamroller: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
This was the exact arrangement that I played at Christmas with the orchestra every year... I love it. This makes me want to bust out zee violeeeen and get my Christmas on. (1:42 is my favorite part!)
Speaking of music and Christmas, I REALLY WANT TO GO SEE TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA!!!!!

Cheers, all. :)