Time has a knack of pulling the rug out from underneath us.

Well... now that I'm an adult and all-- you know, graduated and such, I'm getting pretty overwhelmed with all that it means. I mean, I've started cooking! I now plan out when I'm going to clean my house, and I'm using chemicals to clean my shower... my counters... What's wrong with me!? All of a sudden I'm trying to be extra responsible! It's like... I no longer have an excuse to be a child. That's scary!

And I've been thinking a lot about what has gotten me to this point. Sometimes it's a good feeling to think about what I've done, but other times it's depressing to see how I could have done things better, or maybe done them right the first time around. 


I've been listening to Keane, and I think this says whatever well:


Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born
And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow




I've also been reading The Name of the Wind and A Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss. This is Anthony's favorite author, for good reason, and I am now a huge fan. I'll do a review at some point, I'm sure, but until then, just read these books. If you're looking for light reading, this is not it. These books make me think and make me want to "be."


Sometimes I don't want to have all of the knowledge that I have; sometimes I want to be my raw self, without all of the layers that keep me from that hide my interesting parts.


"But instead, she simply walked through the walls. She didn't know any better. Nobody had ever told her she couldn't. Because of this, she moved through the city like some faerie creature. She walked roads no one else could see, and it made her music wild and strange and free." -Patrick Rothfuss


Now sing at the top of your lungs, "we won't be leaving by the same road that we came by," and perhaps you'll feel a little bit of the empowerment that I feel when I sing along with Keane.


This was a scatterbrained post, I know, but sometimes it's all mushy up in those hemispheres.

I'll take you as you are; please, just take me as I am.

And lately the weather
has been so bipolar
and consequently so have I
...

And its funny how you find
you enjoy your life
when you're happy to be alive

-Relient K

I've been pretty melancholy, lately. This state of being comes around every now and then. Perhaps it's due to the realization that spring break is OVER, or maybe it's just an overall "reality." I took my personality test again, and I am still an INFJ. I fit into the category of being an "idealist."

1.	belief in or pursuance of ideals
2.	the tendency to represent things in their ideal forms, rather than as they are

[If you're interested, take this test. I think it's pretty accurate. I am wary of some personality tests, but this one has remained constant, at least for me. I asked Anthony to take it yesterday to prove/disprove what my guess was, and I was right!! He is definitely an INTJ. I was so proud. (haha) It's really not that hard to guess what people "are," once you understand the test, but I am still proud. I'd be interested to know what you all score!]

But sometimes, I'm also a realist. I think that it's when my idealist tendencies clash with my own reality that I become melancholy. This idealist portion of me is probably why I stayed with my ex-boyfriend for so long. I knew how things were and how they could be, based upon what they used to be. If you don't know what I am referring to, read this post. I finally blocked his number. For those of you who have been through what I have, I hope you can understand why this deliberate act was extremely difficult. I think that is what may have set my "mood" off. 

According to one of my professors, feelings can be described as "emotion with a memory." I think I agree with this. Memory is a powerful thing. This is why smelling a scent associated with a certain time period can be painful. (or nostalgic, etc.) This is why seeing my ex is painful. He looks the same on the outside, but it's as soon as he opens his mouth that I can remember that he is no longer who he used to be; however, this can be manipulated. Words are powerful, too, after all. Isn't life complicated, sometimes? 

(I miss my nose ring. I hope that I have a job some day that allows me to have piercings. I love them.)

Now, I want you to read these lyrics. For any person that has grown up AT ALL, ever, this should make sense to you. I know that I'm pretty young, so maybe most of you have finished "growing up," but I'm okay with admitting that I am an ever-changing being. I'd like to think that this is a positive thing, but there are days like today/yesterday that make me miss who I once was.

Once I was fearless, going up against the world,

optimistic, seeing all the reasons for...

Crept through the darkness, I could live through anything.

Where, where did it go?

I wanna feel it, like I did back then, but more.

I really need it, more than I've ever before.

I believed in oh oh,

Where, where did it go?

Hey, how's it going?

Good.

And how are you?

Good.

Often do you wonder how much that isn't true?

Will you help me out if you can?

I'll take you as you are, please take me as I am.

- The Rocket Sumer

Oh, and please check out Amy's blog. She did a great job of documenting her weekend, which coincidentally is the essence of my own weekend. :)

I went to Jeremy Larson's concert on Saturday night, and it really got me thinking about music again. That, combined with messing around with instruments on Friday (and my friend's funeral) has really been weighing on me. I need music.

Music, defined from my class/textbook (Music and Soul Making by Barbara Crowe):

- George Crumb: "a system of proportions in service of the spiritual"

- Standard: "organized sound for human expression"

- 1940s: "the organization of sound and silence for human expression

- one related to complexity science: "a living movement of expanding information"

I believe that music is connected to our souls. Our physical selves are simply manifestations of our souls. Mind, body, emotion, soul-- these make up our "selves."

"Issues of spirit are deeply personal and relate to our essential wholeness as a human being." (notes from class)

These issues of spirit have a need to be expressed:

1. Belonging and need for affiliation

2. Need for play

3. Need for creativity

4. Need for quality of life (self-esteem, fulfillment, freedom, happiness)

5. Need for spirituality and religion (a spiritual system)

This is why I like to paint, worship, read, run, write, blog, etc.!

(These things go along pretty well with your typical psychology theories. We, humans, have a need for these things. We yearn for companionship and understanding.)

"If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think and see my life in terms of music."

- Albert Einstein

"Music is an energy field-- which affects and interacts with the human energy fields."

- Unified Field Theory

So, those thoughts aside, here are a couple of things that made me happy yesterday:

Anthony got this book signed for me this weekend! I am so excited to start reading it again, but it will probably have to wait until summer. Oh well.

Heather and I "studied" last night and it was an extremely good release for me. I love her! (I also love butterfinger ice cream and peanut butter ice cream. Haha.)

I know that my posts are sporadic, especially when I am "melancholy." I do love that some of you actually read my posts. I hope that I make sense to you, and that maybe, just maybe, you feel what I feel... sometimes. 

Cheers. :)